Adam G.’s Yelp! Review of Sana’s Falafel House at the Apple Valley Shopping Center 
by Jacob Weber

Got a sitter the other night, something we don’t do much. Did you realize sitters are now charging $15 per hour? I used to have to watch five brothers and sisters for free every day. I was eleven. Wife and I decided to try a new restaurant in town. Place was packed but we were seated quickly. Fun atmosphere. Was happy at first we picked this place because the décor was Middle Eastern without being too serious about it. There were camel statues and photos of sheikhs on the walls. It didn’t require you to know whether it was Lebanese or Syrian or West Schmuckistani or whatever. I’m there to eat and take a load off, I don’t need to be reminded how much I don’t know about the world. I bet I could have made a joke about the cook putting a bomb in our soup and it would have gone off well in there. I like it when people make me feel at ease like that.
Ordered more alcohol than we should have. Mint mule was good. Took a long time to get food. Empty stomachs meant we got drunk quickly. Waitress was friendly, leaned over a lot while we all chatted. She was like the place: vaguely Middle Eastern, modern, and good at making me feel better about myself. She spent a lot of time at our table talking to us. Might be why the service was so backed up. 
Anyhow, was having a nice time talking with my wife and waitress. Haven’t enjoyed a night out with my wife in a while. Haven’t enjoyed anything with my wife in a while. Waitress was young, seemed like a happy person although she had to stand on her feet all day. Made me think back to time after finally getting out of house as a kid but before having a grown-up job. I bussed tables. That’s how I met my wife. She was a customer. None of the servers liked her because she sent everything back, so they made me deal with her. It was a great time in my life, when all I had to do was show a little patience for someone and I could win them over just like that. Date night was going great.
Waitress bent over to pick up a straw wrapper that fell. Don’t remember how, but my hand ended up on some part of her that pointed up when she bent down. Didn’t mean it as sexual. Think I just forgot what joy felt like and wanted to remember. 
Wife didn’t see it, and the waitress—whose nametag said Jackie, if you’re reading this, Sana—didn’t say anything right away. Could tell the rest of the night she was considering what to do. Wife sensed something was wrong, kept asking me, so I had to play that off, which made all the waiting to see what would happen worse. Did not enjoy hummus and grape leaves appetizer as a result. Tipped waitress an outrageous amount to let her know I’m an alright guy and didn’t mean it, even though such a sum was hard to pay after already ordering too many mint mules and paying the sitter $15 per hour. Thought we were going to get out of there with our marriage at least intact, but wife went to bathroom before leaving (not great, by the way…none of the soap dispensers had soap) and I saw Jackie talking to her there. 
Now we’re getting divorced. Can’t afford lawyer. If a restaurant is going to serve people who didn’t have six kids like their parents, but still more than they should have, and give those people enough liquor that their burdens suddenly fall off them like socks in the bed at the end of the day. They need to just be cool about accidents. It wasn’t my fault. 
Tried to return next day to explain to Jackie about the five kids I had to watch when I was eleven and the three kids I have now and what mint mules do when you haven’t eaten. Tried to explain what my boss is like, how I save his ass day after day but don’t get paid enough to buy braces for our teenager. Tried to explain about the fight my wife and I had before dinner about braces and paying for them and the $15 an hour for the babysitter. Wanted to say I meant no harm, that I really don’t know what came over me, and that I am happy for her happiness as a young person who doesn’t know what any of these things is like. Restaurant only threatened to call police. 
Chicken shawarma was dry. Three stars.